Gosh, you really went through a crisis. How did you get over it? When I ran into you, you seemed perfectly fine. You seem fine now.
Well, I’ll tell you. One day, a month ago, I really…… hit bottom. I just felt that in a godless universe…I didn’t want to go on living. I happen to own this rifle which I loaded…and pressed to my forehead. I thought, “I’m gonna kill myself.” Then I thought, “What if I’m wrong? What if there is a God? Nobody really knows. ” Then I thought, “No. Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing. ” I remember clearly, the clock was ticking…
… and I was sitting there frozen…
… debating whether to shoot. All of a sudden, the gun went off. I was so tense I inadvertently squeezed the trigger. But I was perspiring so much… the gun slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly, neighbors were pounding on the door… and the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door. I didn’t know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I just knew one thing… I had to get out of that house.
I had to get out in the fresh air and clear my head. And I remember, I walked the streets. I didn’t know what was going through my mind. It all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered on the Upper West Side. It must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding.
I went into a movie. Didn’t know what was playing. I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical… and put the world back into rational perspective. I went up to the balcony… and I sat down. The movie was one I’d seen many times in my life… since I was a kid, and I always loved it.
I’m watching the screen… and I started getting hooked on the film. And I started to feel: “How can you think of killing yourself? Isn’t it stupid? Look at all the people on-screen. They’re funny, and what if the worst is true? There’s no God, you only go around once, that’s it. Don’t you want to be part of the experience? It’s not all a drag. ”
And I’m thinking, “I should stop ruining my life… searching for answers… and just enjoy it while it lasts. ” And after, who knows? Maybe there is something. I know “maybe” is a slim reed to hang your life on… but that’s the best we have. And then I started to sit back… and I actually began to enjoy myself.
There’s something that’s been bothering me…and I thought I’d tell you what it was…and clear the deck, and that’s this: I’ve always regretted the way I behaved that evening we went out. I really made a fool out of myself.
No, don’t be ridiculous. I was…You know, it was my fault. So you want to go out to dinner again? You have any interest?
Are you free this evening?